Biology Lesson: A Sugar and Spies Tale
by alynwa
Summary: Leona makes a discovery. Note: If children knowing the proper names for body parts offends you, PLEASE DO NOT READ. If very brief nudity offends, PLEASE DO NOT READ.


One Sunday morning, four year old Leona Nicole was up early having breakfast with her Daddy. It was their Family Day and since the weather was so pleasant for Fall, Napoleon thought it would be nice to drive upstate and pick apples. "Once we bring the apples home, Leona, you could help me make applesauce and apple pie plus, we'd have apples to eat fresh from the trees. Sound good to you?" he asked as he reached over to snuggle his child in her seat.

The four year old hugged her father happily and replied, "Yes, Daddy! Maybe we'll see bunnies in the orkard, too!"

"_Orchard,"_ Napoleon corrected automatically, "And yes, we might see a bunny or two. Do this for me, please: I thought I heard Papa moving around in his room. Go ask him if he wants to go apple picking. I think he will like the idea better if it comes from you." He thought, _Sometimes I think he would agree to set himself on fire if he thought Leona would be amused._

"Yes, Daddy!" Leona answered and hurried down to Papa's room. She was so excited about the possibility of a road trip upstate that she forgot to knock on the closed door. She opened it to see Papa fresh from his shower, standing naked in front of his dresser.

Illya startled slightly when his door opened unexpectedly, but he remained calm. As a European and especially as a trained UNCLE agent, he was supremely comfortable in his own skin. He and Napoleon had discussed on several occasions how they were going to answer Leona's questions about sex and sexuality since there was no woman in their home and had kind of left it up in the air. Illya had hoped secretly that whenever she had a question along those lines, she would be at the Greers'. Looking at the little girl looking at him, Illya knew what he said and did would have a profound effect on her. Reaching for his robe he said, "Leona, what did Daddy and I tell you about knocking first?"

The little girl looked down at the floor and said, "That I should knock first if the door is closed. I'm sorry, Papa, Daddy told me to ask if you wanted to go apple picking upstate and I forgot. I'm sorry."

Illya tied his robe and sat on his bed. "No harm done, Daughter. Just try to remember to knock in the future. Go tell Daddy that apple picking is fine with me."

Leona started to leave, but stopped and turned around. "Papa, may I ask you something?"

"Yes, you may."

The little girl waved a hand in the general direction of Illya's torso. "Where's your 'gina?"

Illya fought hard to keep a straight face. "I do not have a _vagina_, Leona. I have a penis; that is different."

He hoped that would be enough and was relieved when his daughter just said "Oh, okay" and left the room. He proceeded to finish dressing so that he would be ready for the drive upstate.

As he walked down the hall toward the kitchen, he could hear his partner and daughter conversing. He slowed when he heard Leona say, "Daddy, guess what? Papa doesn't have a…" He could almost see her face screwing up in concentration. "A vagina," she finished.

He could hear the amusement in Napoleon's voice when he replied, "I'm glad to hear it."

A few seconds passed before Leona Nicole added, "He has a _peanut."_ Illya's eyes narrowed in annoyance as he listened to his partner try in vain not to become hysterical with laughter.

He stood outside the kitchen and watched as Napoleon lifted Leona to hug and kiss her. "Leona, you have made my day, my week, my month and possibly, my _year! _I will never look at peanuts the same way again!" he crowed as he wiped tears from his face. "Finish your oatmeal, my Darling. I'll be right back." He stepped into the hallway and collapsed into another fit of giggles at the look on the Russian's face. "I think, ahahahaha, that you have given Leona her first biology lesson. Congratulations!"

"And, she had no questions about _your_ anatomy?"

"Thank God, no. She has enough to deal with finding out about your vagina – less state. Luckily enough, she doesn't seem to have made the connection between us yet. So, for now," Napoleon began to chuckle, "It is all about you and your peanut."


End file.
